Stop Persecuting Movers!

I am tired of the church persecuting item relocation specialists, or movers, as we like to call ourselves. There’s already such a stigma attached to our predilection, and laws going back millennia. If only someone had gone back in time and prevented that first law from being made. Aren’t we all part of one human family? Families share, man, so what’s yours is mine.

Even the way the church describes us is condemnatory. We’re not thieves. We’re not larcenists. We’re not cat burglars and we only “smash and grab” because that’s the most efficient way to see what’s inside a building when we’re pressed for time. You can always repair a building, but what about us? We have no other way to live. We have to take things, you see, because we don’t have any other skills. It’s not stealing — it’s just item relocation, and items are just stuff. It doesn’t matter whose stuff they are. I’m just glad pawn shop owners and the street people like to give us money for items. That money helps us stay alive.

What we all need to do is to stop using words that hurt. Don’t keep throwing what you think is our sin in our faces. Instead, just give us what we want. Then we’re happy, and your homes are less cluttered. Everyone wins!

The real problem is not our predilections, most of which we can’t help. Do you think that anyone begins this lifestyle on purpose? No, we were born this way. We can’t help it! You can’t condemn a man who does things he can’t help. You should pity us, instead, always running away from the law, having to deal with people of questionable morals, unskilled at anything else, desperate and hopeless. Do you think that it’s any coincidence that Jesus was crucified between two thieves? What else does that mean but that He blessed our occupation? He dignified what was undignified before. He gave us hope. You likewise should do the same, and of course, leave your stuff to us.

The laws are biased against us; don’t you be biased against us too. Instead, come alongside us, give us dignity, peace, protection, don’t use words that hurt, and give us whatever we ask. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Stop persecuting movers today! End the hate!

Yes, this is satire.

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